Connection
Sex is an important part of marriage. When it's good, couples share physical pleasure and connect emotionally. When it's bad, feelings of depression, anger, or even the collapse of the relationship can occur
Straight talk
It's never a good idea to confront your spouse every time you're unhappy. In healthy long-term marriages, couples learn how to choose their words and their battles. Explore the top one or two issues that are bothering you, then risk sharing your feelings and speak your mind rationally. You'll feel better about yourself and your marriage.
Do what works
No matter what kind of relationship problem you have, there are times in a marriage when things go more smoothly. Become a student of what's different when things are working -- laughter, kindness, romance. Ask yourself, "What was I doing at that time? What was my partner doing?" Then start doing more of what works.
The siren solution
When you show your love for your spouse by placing more importance on your sexual relationship, even if you're out of practice or not feeling particularly sensual, you trigger a solution cycle. Your spouse becomes happier and more loving in return.
The nike solution
Just because you're not hungering for sex doesn't necessarily mean you have an arousal problem. For most people, sex is easy to enjoy once they get started. Ignore your inner voice that says, "Not now, I'm too tired," and adopt Nike's slogan: Just do it. And remember, some experts believe that when it comes to libido, people need to use it or lose it.
Embers vs Fireworks
Couples often flash back to the beginning of their relationship, when hormones were raging and passion was overwhelming. But long-haul sexuality is often inspired by fleeting images such as your husband playing with the kids, your wife dressed in heels or perhaps a movie you found arousing. Don't allow these moments to go unnoticed; act on them.
Focus on exceptions
Like a hothouse flower, desire often grows under specific conditions. For some, it's rainy nights. For others, it's a long soak in a sauna while on vacation. Identify what gets your juices flowing, and take advantage of the moment. Better yet, create it yourself. If hot baths turn you on, turn on the faucet more often.
Know thyself
Everyone is different, so you need to discover the uniqueness of your own sexuality. Become an expert on your own body, which means start experimenting. Watch sexy DVDs, or try lotions or toys. When you're making love, try different positions. See what feels best -- and then let your partner know. It's your responsibility to figure out what feels more exciting to you.
Act as if
If you want to feel more sexual, act more sexual. For many of us, that means thinking back to a time when you felt more sexual and then doing the very things you used to do. Take off those sensible shoes and dumpy khakis. Wiggle into sexy lingerie under a tight sweater or wrap dress. Try spritzing a new perfume behind your ears and below your clavicle.
Novelty
After you've been together for a while, sex often becomes routine. If you're doing the same things in the same order over and over again, you probably won't feel stimulated. You might not reach orgasm. You can improve things by changing the way you approach lovemaking. Be creative and push yourself to keep an open mind. You may surprise yourself -- and your spouse.
The seesaw effect
Like paying the bills or emptying the washer, some couples designate sexual responsibilities. But the more one person is "in charge," the easier it is for the other to sit back and wait. Then, the more highly-sexed partner can become so upset or defeated, that he may believe you don't love him anymore. Rediscover your passion for your spouse before it's too late.
Just say when
There will be times when you simply don't feel like having sex. But instead of just saying "no" or "I'm too tired," which can feel like a flat-out rejection, offer an alternative. Try saying, "I'm exhausted. But if you wait until I catch a nap, I'd love to fool around then." Or, "Let's hold off until the kids to go to sleep." You don't want to rebuff your spouse without showing that you care.
Give a gift
Even if you're not in the mood, you can show your love to your spouse by doing something that would please her sexually. This doesn't mean pretending to be aroused or doing something that makes you uncomfortable. It simply means showing some enthusiasm. Tell your spouse you want to please her and ask what she'd like for you to do. Then do it.
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